It's a well-known fact that The Bronx rose up out of the oceans of time as farmland. The ancient first Americans--Aquehung to the girls in the park--knew how to eat, as evidenced by their inability to die of cholesterol. Only the bullets of mad canoeists such as Jonas Bronck and cowboys were able to halt the immortality of early Bronxites.
So I was thinking, why hasn't the ancient knowledge of the fruits of the Earth been passed down to the humans milling about now? Why indeed. I must end this.
Food is all around: Due to its vast farming history, the soil of The Bronx is rife with the seeds of food. If it grows out of the ground it will make you feel good when you eat it. It is a fact. The magical mushrooms which sprout from the mercury-laden soil is rich in poisonous hallucinogens, perfect for those unable to buy both food AND drugs. Keeps the kids quiet and turns any long-time spouse into something fresh and interesting!
A river runs through it: There is no lack of interesting things to drink in The Bronx! The flavorful waters of the coincidentally-named Bronx River are just water to be drunk. But if water rats have bred in is not your thing, there are Snapple dispensers on every corner, full of tasty delights. Spicy Hobo Urine can be found bottled in the tall grasses on special days of the week. Check with your neighbor if they've found any, don't let them hoard it all!
Soup's on: Dandelions are just dandy! The entire entity known as the humble dandelion can be eaten, and you will not only lose forty pounds of fluids but you will be unwilling to taste anything but the fiery bitterness of the dandelion leaf. Waiting for the cottony phase of the dandelion yields delightful candy for junior!
Something On The Side: Drug stores are within crawling distance of every pavement for quick veggie side dishes known as chips. Here the humble potato has already cut itself into handy mouth-sized slices of crunchiness after mating with the local favorite onion and mineral sour cream.
Looks good on your face, too: Dollar stores are treasure troves of friendly garnish. Natural crystals formations known as lipstick are delicious when sliced over a salad of dandelion greens and raw morchella esculenta!
Not all things found in The Bronx are edible. Some things, such as automobiles, were dropped by wild birds and should not be ingested. If found, police should also be abstained from on account of their high doughnut and caffeine content. Rainbow water, commonly found in parking lots and along garages, will give you shiny hair but you will most likely be dead of indigestion before noticing.
I hope these handy eating tips make 2009 a healthier year and teach you self-reliance in case you ever get off the bus at the wrong stop and need to survive on wits alone until rescued. Soon even you will be giving a big cheer to the delectable cuisine of The Bronx!
Mangia.
The Bronx Diet
