Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I Personally Can't Wait For The Chim Chim Fruit Gusher. is reporting that Speed Racer is going to be G-Rated. I'm a little confused by this, but I guess if Bambi can be G-Rated, so can a movie about race car drivers who engage

I still feel funny when I say car-fu.

Plus Speed always had that G on his shirt, so this makes perfect sense. He's a G-rated boy, that Go Mifune.

Looks like in addition to the Indy and Father of Indy Lego set I still can't get near, there will be four Speed Racer Lego sets. This is also making me feel funny.

It's nice to know things can still make me feel funny after 30 years. The great thing is that now I can post about that feeling on the Internet and you all get to watch. Maybe great is the wrong word.

But enough about my funny feelings, happy birthday (yesterday) to Peter Fernandez! That voice.... *sigh*

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Best Reason I've Heard.

Little Gamers - January 28, 2008

I guess real-life video cameras in the movies don't have image stabilization. Don't get me started.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Another Day At The Unna Boot Factory.

There are two nurses who remove Unna Boots on Monday. Two of the other clinic nurses have quit because they couldn't handle working at the clinic. You may leap to the conclusion I'm judging them, however keep in mind I can't stand up for more than two hours or I pay for it for a week, but I can't remember that because my brain fell out in 1988. No, I mentioned them only to contrast against the nurse that my mother thankfully didn't get...who handed the scissors to a patient to take off his own Unna Boot. You may recall people call those things casts.

Four weeks back the vascular specialist who hasn't been seen again insisted he was the only person trained to put an Unna Boot on. Nurses have been putting them on my mother since then. I don't really mind that because you know and I know nurses have their shit together more than most doctors, but...I could buy Unna Boots on eBay. I'm just sayin'. It would cost less than the parking. And whatever mystery funds the hosiptal is tacking onto the bill. I'm not entirely sure I would be able to manage to not make her leg bleed profusely when removing it, but then again the nurse today said that shows circulation!

Four days until Mum is eligible for Medicare.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Rabbit Hole Day, 2008

The morning crowing of the cat alerted me that great big flakes were falling from the sky. In the street alone there were hundreds of strange people just piling up on the cars. I decided against my better judgement to make them cookies. The cookies sold rather well until some kid in Pensacola who just happened to have an allergy to people ate a whole tin of the cookies and broke out in hives so large they could be seen from orbit.

Luckily, I was able to escape by climbing the hives, and stowing away aboard a passing UFO. Since the UFOs are classified, the manhunt for me was called off, and I spent my retirement making elaborate sandcastles for the cats and dog in a remote and undisclosed location somewhere in the general area of Nevada. When I needed some extra pocket change for shovels and pails, I decided to open a tea room called, "The Russians Aren't Behind The UFOs Tea Room," because I suck at naming things. Ironically, my tea shop was a smash success among conspiracy theorists, bringing in van-loads of paranormal, yet friendly folks. However I was unable to hang pictures of all the FBI agents who came through for security reasons.

Last Week, As Seen From One Day.

I had planned to take last weekend off, just catch up on some shows I wanted to see, maybe sleep late, but then the weather turned cold and I was faced with unread mail, things to burn to disks, and it ended up being a usual weekend for me. No, I didn't get to my mail, or those shows, or those disks. I made case art and PaintShopped some craziness for Fark.

Saturday, we watched Keeping Mum again, this time with my Mum, who guessed a glaring plot point right off the bat which, now that I've seen the movie from the very beginning, was bloody obvious. Doesn't take away from the wacky Britishness of it, and I still love it.

The Fifth Element ran on TNT all last Sunday, so that was frikkin' fabulous. I could watch that...three times in a row, I guess. Even though they cut most of Ruby Rhod's scenes to the point where they made no sense. Sad. I'm rabidly anti-prude when I happen to like the thing being censored.

We got The Confessor for Mum to see, and since I compared it to The Rosary Murders last week I've been feeling a bit guilty, because The Rosary Murders kicked ass and also had Jack White as an altar boy. Yes, Jack White who played Elvis in Walk Hard. He adds ass-kicking karate to everything.

One of the nights X-Files didn't run until sunrise, we found Don't Look Down, a Lifetime movie about a woman who goes crazy batshit every time she sees anything higher than, I guess, her own height, because her sister fell off a mountain at some point in the movie before we tuned in. Her "treatment" for this involves a guy who screams at her and her fellow group of people who shouldn't be near edges of things. Then, surprisingly, they all start jumping off things. Not because they couldn't handle the "doctor" calling them cowards that ought to die, but because of a serial killer! OOH. Brilliant. I'd recommend the movie only to people who need to see what it's like to go crazy batshit on the roof of a car park. Not fun, people. Also, it's a Clive Barker movie. That can be shown on Lifetime. This should be telling you all you need to know.

We lost Heath Ledger. I still can't believe that. We loved him, Nan's seen every single one of his movies, and I could say the same except it took me the entire length of A Knight's Tale to iron that blasted bedskirt that time. No bedskirt is worth that.

My mother's most recent Unna boot was put on too tight. During this same visit, someone in the medical profession was overheard telling someone in Urgent Care with migraines, "You need rest." I will spare you my vitriol over this, because the circumstances of Heath Ledger's death are still in my head, and will always be in my head, and honestly the rest of my week was taken up thinking about how sad Heath Ledger's death was.

I moved things around in the room that catches all our books and videos, because the boiler is being cleaned before it explodes again, and I refreshed the little paper inserts on some of the cases and saw with dismay that I'd gone over The Brothers Grimm. It was a damaged tape, and I planned to record it again. It's a good movie, you know.

Then my joints flared up, my head hurt in that special way it has to take me down at the most inopportune times, and the dog continued to go on a hunger strike over technology. The weather was too cold to go out with the cats and stare at the sky, as well, and that didn't help at all. Meh.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Input Director made my day.

Last night I felt rather crap, so as usual, I sat in front of Newsgator, scrolling past things for all infinity. I caught an article on Lifehacker about a program that lets someone with networked PCs to use the same mouse and keyboard over two or more computers.

Now, I didn't need Input Director, but using it was way too much fun. I could run the mouse off the side of my old-ass Powerspec, and it would magically appear on the Dell with Vista! It works on Vista!

So far, my only quibble is that, like The Matrix, if the mouse is in the Dell at shutdown, it dies in its host computer too. But that just teaches me not to go stick my input devices into things that are shutting down.

Update: The hot-key combination designed to return control to the "master" computer works very well provided the user knows the difference between left and right. I'm just sayin'. If you're like me, the hot key can be changed to be any combination of keys.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Now I Get It, Don Henley. Now I Get It.

Out on the road today I saw a Homestar Runner sticker on an Acura.


Monday, January 21, 2008

I Should Have Expected This.

Microwaves, they have motors. Not quite the pitch of a vacuum, but a motor nonetheless.

My dog hadn't eaten for two days because we'd put her dinner down, then go off to reheat bit of our own dinners, like the easy fries...easy fries are fabulous, you know. But the microwave, it terrifies The Puppy. She stands in the middle of the kitchen with her ears flat against her head, her tail bravely tucked between her legs, and she toughs it out, the terrible 15-second reheating of my noodles and cauliflower.

Tonight, I knew it was dinnertime because The Puppy ran upstairs and tried to get under me.

(She finally ate tonight, btw, don't worry. We made sure she ate long before we even opened the microwave door.)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Buy Art For A Good Cause

Do you like dogs? Do you like art?

Go to and buy art for a good cause, Ripley needs her toofs fixed.

Ripley's human is also, of course, on Etsy.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

4 Days, 7 Nights

Last Saturday, we watched 16 Blocks, which Nan and I had seen, but wanted to show to Mum, who hadn't seen it with us...but had seen it another night. She just didn't want to mention that, because we'd said we didn't see the whole thing. We...kinda did. While the steadycam operators seemed to be on strike during the film, I'm not one to pass up a Bruce Willis movie and this one in particular reminds me that at least I don't have to drive in Manhattan.

The Painted Veil (2006) reminded me that I'm lucky I don't live down river from cholera. Oddly, the sun bouncing off water and nuns had the same effect as a high speed action movie, and I think from now on I will need to watch movies where no one moves around on every second week of the month. All that aside, it was a good movie. Wash your hands and keep your pianos in tune, kids.

On Monday we were promised a pummeling by the myriad snow fairies whose chain e-mail I did not forward. However, my own personal Ullr came through and I didn't have to shovel double my own weight in slush! Believe me, that is for the best. I've done it, I'm not averse to hard work, I'm averse to aggravating my hernias. has issued a new beta for their FLV converter, so if you use I do...occasionally...for family things...there you go. Update.

Tuesday saw the return of American Idol. What is it, season 70? Who cares, I think this guy was robbed:

Wednesday, my mother had her Unna boot swapped by imbeciles. Yes, it took three weeks, but the idiots I remember as being common to the medical industry have surfaced. I love how "interesting," is clinic technician speak for, "I have no idea what you live with every day, but let me slap a bandage on this symptom so you can go away."

I managed to aggravate my hernias on Thursday, when it was time to play pallbearer to our old microwave. So much for escaping injury.

Nan found a movie we hadn't seen called The Confessor with Christian Slater as a priest. The original title was The Good Shepherd, but seeing as this was church intrigue instead of politics, they gave the away title to...the movie that it made no sense being a title to unless you count how many times those Skull and Bones guys sang The Whiffenpoof Song in that Matt Damon movie. Anyway. If you liked The Rosary Murders, you may like The Confessor.

Yesterday, I went around in the fog that only a combination of being me, sinus congestion, migraines, entertainment news on the television, sleep deprivation, hormones, and speaking for longer than two minutes can bring. Or drug abuse. But I have no drugs, only Niacin and Vitamin C. All I really remember about yesterday is that there was a neat looking cloud over the other clouds, and were I looking at a photo of these clouds, I'd swear someone had gone to town with the smudge brush, because this cloud, it looked out of place. It also made me think I was going blind again because it covered the moon, but it was so thin that it just made the moon blurry without changing the color of the sky. These are the types of things that interest me, people. This is why I haven't had a serious relationship in a long time.

This afternoon, at 1:30, our new microwave arrived with little stupidity. It's shiny, powers on and the door opens, so it's already passed my criteria.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Source Of So Much Entertainment

A booming voice filled the house at the crack of dawn, a man screaming out of our answering machine that THE MICROWAVE! IS SCHEDULED FOR DELIVERY! TOMORROW! BETWEEN 11:30!

Wait, what? Between 11:30? And 20 seconds? Some recording woke me up to give me a four-hour window that is only 60-seconds long.

I wish we still had the message, I'd have played it for you...but when the machine says, "Press erase again to delete all messages," my mother takes that as a suggestion.

So I guess that concludes the saga of the microwave. Unless like the dishwasher, it tries to kill us all after it's here.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Now is your chance to laugh at me.

Just like the gods do.

I would prefer to be a vegetarian, you may know this already. My reasons are not important, but taking my meat-eating mother to grocery stores where blood then starts dripping out of the wagon because there are freshly killed cow parts in there may very well be one of those reasons.

I'll leave that up to you to decide.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I Can Do It, But They Can't Help.

You know the demise of our microwave would lead to stupidity the size of a nuclear mutation that goes on to devour major cities. I expected a new microwave to be expensive, I expected a wait if we ordered one online, but what I never expected was how much worse Home Depot could possibly get.

I don't even remember when our microwave kicked off this mortal coil now, but since the door latch--and in turn the entire unit--broke, dinnertime's been a bitch. It's winter, the windows are maybe 80 years old, there's one baseboard radiator in the entire kitchen/dining room, and keeping anything hot is sort of impossible. That's life, and as long as the oven could warm things, we could do without the microwave a few days. Not really a problem, really. Just an inconvenience.

We were supposed to get like, loads of snow. "Pummeled," the weather people said. I was heading for a week of the palsied insanity I like to call being a woman, anyway, so it was going to be next to impossible to get to Home Depot to look at their microwaves, and Home Depot it would have to be, because that's where I have the card. My only other option was eBay, and I now see that I probably had a better shot at getting a microwave from someone with a feedback of 1 who lived in "The Hong Kongs."

Have I mentioned I hate Home Depot with the fire of ten suns? Yeah. Wasn't crazy about them even before their installers hooked a garden hose to a dishwasher that eventually taught me a valuable lesson in what intestinal explosions must look like.

But I digress. We ordered a microwave. It's pretty, or I think it is. It was inexpensive too, considering it contains magical pixies that can cook things in a few seconds and stuff. Home Depot charged us $55 shipping because a microwave is an appliance. They also charged $22 sales tax because we have a store in our borough, but the microwave is an online only exclusive that must be shipped from a warehouse...not in New York. If that confused you, you are not alone.

The confirmation e-mail I got said someone would be calling the house within 48 hours to confirm the confirmation. By this time the light drizzle we were "pummeled" with had passed, but the order was in, and the microwave was an online exclusive, and my head was detached and laying in a pile of dust under my desk, so we waited.

We got a phone call that said the microwave would arrive in 5-7 days and that I would be getting an e-mail with the exact time and date of delivery.

I got an e-mail, but it only had an order number. I went to the Home Depot website to see if I could put the order number to use. I couldn't even put my e-mail address and password to use, because Home Depot didn't recognize it. This happens every month when I go to pay my bill. I have attempted to sign in 53 times in the past three days. For fun, I tried clicking that I forgot my password, because, you know, maybe I did. What the hell, I've only had it written in my meticulous list of passwords, maybe I'm wrong. Home Depot told me the e-mail address they've been sending my order confirmations to isn't in their system.

I waited a little while before making my next move. This website is obviously smarter than me, and it was enjoying the intimate relations it was having with my brain. Also, Idol was on.

Just now, I went to try again, and this is what I got:

Bastards. They have my money, my microwave, and now my mind. For the extra $77 dollars that was tacked onto the purchase price, we're hoping to have the microwave carried down to the counter. Maybe even plugged in. That's saying it ever gets here.

UPDATE: I was finally able to access the order status online...and was given a phone number to call. I very nearly expected to have to go to a park to make the next phone call, but no, this telephone number finally yielded a delivery date.

January 24th. They'll call the day before to give us a four-hour window (most likely when I won't be available) that the microwave will arrive during. I wonder if I should roll out a red carpet?

It's a tiny little 34-pound microwave!

I could have had one from eBay already. I could have had one from Canada by now...if I walked both ways.

Learn from this kids, if your food can only be prepared in a microwave, and you freeze your bread so it doesn't go moldy because you can always thaw it in the microwave...bad things can happen.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

My usual awards-watching habit is on strike.

The Golden Globes sucked without being able to see Johnny Depp accept that award for Sweeney Todd. Hey, AMPTP, you need to pay the writers. Or else all television will look like Murder Unscripted, and while that's not entirely, I'm not going to entertain that thought.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Second Week of 2008

I accidentally deleted the horoscopes from my bulk folder, so I didn't really know what to expect from this week, but now that it's over, I'm not sure what happened, so maybe that was the message of the horoscopes. I seemed to be changing a lot of ink cartridges and moving around when I probably shouldn't have.

On Sunday I found out figure skating is still around, who knew? I spent a few hours watching it last weekend, and I recognized like three skaters. Has it been that long? When Christopher Bowman passed away this week, I felt like it had been even longer since I enjoyed skating. Couldn't be that long, I remember watching this, it was only a little while ago.

This week, I got my Technorati Tags script for Blogger back, and I bet you didn't even notice I'd lost it, eh? I'd been pasting the div in, man. Hand-edited tags. I'm hardcore.

My eBay listing for Titanic was not a success. Not even one watcher. Maybe some free listing day I'll put it on there again, because now that day I banged into that woman's car has cost me an extra $1.60. I suspect the reason my listing was not the success Dawn Meehan's was is because instead of kids, I have only myself to make fun of, and no one out there can relate to that, at all. I mean, everyone else in the world is an excellent driver and has never dinged another person's car and had to have their mother lay out half the money the screaming driver of the other car was asking for, because I can't even sell a $5 movie on eBay. One day, this will not be an issue for me.

The weather was so lovely at the beginning of the week I mistook it for April and took down the Christmas decorations. The wires weren't even stiff. It was fabulous.

My mother got an Unna boot. She didn't like it. After three days, the doctor gave her another. This time they wrapped it looser. She still doesn't like it. That thing dries solid. My mother is wearing a cast on her leg. The dog offered to help carry her up the stairs to return the favor, but I don't see that working out so well.

We watched The Invasion and Undertaking Betty. Both good, but my love for Jeremy Northam sort of dampened my enthusiasm for what happens in Invasion, and that's all I'm saying about that without spoiling the movie for you. Betty, on the other hand, I've seen four times and I'd watch it again right now if I could.

Alas, I will be researching microwave ovens now. Preferably ones that don't need security clearance from The Pentagon to open after the little spring in the latch breaks. Give me back my hot pretzel, you radioactive bastard.

Friday, January 11, 2008

This just in: Speed Racer to feature actual Japanese people!

I couldn't be happier. I wouldn't mind living in Japan, at least the TV wouldn't give me episodes of whatever that is that happens when I watch TV here.

Rocket Punch Auto Blog has pictures and lots of words about the racing team, ARTA, who are going to be in the movie, and the car. Not that I'll be noticing much else beside the with car with the jacks and the saws and stuff.

I'm having an episode now!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I am damp.

It's been a balmy 55° in the upper-east area of the states, and while I generally lament the loss of the polar ice caps and the impending doom that entails, it has been freakin' nice out, and I've forgotten what computers are for.

Oh yeah, I've also been driving more than I should. Which brings me to the point of this post. I have a question for the drivers out there.


(No, I didn't get hit, but my mother is starting to ask that I don't just close my eyes and hope for the best.)

Monday, January 07, 2008

Secret Agent LeFluffe in: Sexy Cookie Time

Secret Agent LeFluffe had been sleeping all night, but when he heard the whistle of the tea kettle, he sprang into action, leaping over couches and televisions to reach the nearest table in his usual drinking establishment.

He stood on the table and his eyes flashed. "Gimme the White Russian without the Russian, bebbe, I got all night!"

Women flung themselves at him with dessert carts. "Ya!" Secret Agent LeFluffe announced, selecting an orange cupcake with tasty creme filling that made a jaunty white moustache and goatee on his face.

Just then, the mafia burst in, gunning for LeFluffe!

"Hey, bebbe, I just saw that guy out there though the window," LeFluffe lied, finishing his drinkie as the mafia fell out the tenth-story window.

"Ya," Secret Agent LeFluffe purred, curled up in a hot broad's arms.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

In Case You Didn't Know.

All you kids who know that Christopher Walken guy who dances in the Fatboy Slim video might want to check this out.


Saturday, January 05, 2008

How Musicals Messed Up My Life.

No one really enters a room and bursts into song.

If you're having a smackdown with a rival gang, odds are they'll just skip to the stabbing part and avoid dancing at all costs.

The Year So Far.

This is probably the only week I'll remember to do this. Actually I can't remember much, but Dick Clark was involved. Dick Clark rules.

It's been very sunny, but very cold. The red ribbons blew out of the hedges. I'm impressed, for 99 cents, I found Christmas decorations that take themselves down. Fabulous!

WLIR is dead. Again. I am unhappy with the management of that station.

I once again started archiving the accumalated things from my hard drive. Oh for the days when computers didn't have hard drives. Or at least my lovely old Connor 10MB. It didn't take long to back that up. Then again all I had to back up in those days looked like this:

I'm still amused by silly things. If you haven't "experienced" the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotes yet, you "need" too.

I found Jesus in a picture of a dog's butt. I dig pictures like this.

I also dig pictures of Indy IV. There's a story that goes with the pictures, but I just keep seeing the man in the hat. No, not the baseball cap.

Eastern Promises, Music and Lyrics, Death At A Funeral, and Balls of Fury are all great movies, go watch them. In that exact order.

This was fun for me, I may do it again next week if I don't get killed in a road rage incident.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Dear Fellow Drivers,

To the only person on Earth, who I offended with my very presence in the Rite-Aid car park, do not blow your horn at me unless you are about to collide with me. The space was mine, if only because my car is purple and your monstrosity is colorless. Yeah, that's right, I'm callin' white a non-color, you wanna yell at me some more? It is my dearest hope that in the coming year, your microscopic excuse for manhood falls off as you're driving and everyone behind you blows their horns and curses at you as you search for it in vain. I will allow that pulling up so close to my bumper that I couldn't read your plate number was a good move on your part.

To the ambulette driver who used up all the adrenaline intended for the patients that were not even in the vehicle at the time and then got on the loudspeaker to tell me to move as I was waiting at a stop sign for the oncoming traffic to pass, you need to lose your voice. It does wonders for the mind, I've found.

To whatever was behind me on the corner near the bus stop, did you enjoy your 10-foot trip to the next red light? I hope you did, I know I would have had I not been trying to determine if there were others like you lurking behind the three buses.

To the blue car that backed up nicely to let me leave the spot five other cars of non-descript colors coveted, thank you. You are the sort of human Geggy Tah wrote songs about. I wish there were more of you out there.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

This Is Your Brain Being Flipped Like A Fried Egg.

I'm watching a listing for krinkle gauze for Mum on eBay and writing this post at the same time. Will wonders never cease? (I shouldn't kid, I've been known to miss the end of listings I had noted on my arms while sitting at the computer staring at the very listing I was meant to be bidding on.) We get the gauze from a seller called vetsupplies, and when I mentioned this as a selling point along with, "22 rolls for a buck each!" my family's only concern was that it would be okay for people too.


The old joke of confusing vets with vets is alive and well, but sadly it took me an hour to realize they thought I was buying veterinary supplies. If it took you until that explanation, it's okay. Really. It isn't like my book is going to be clever or anything.

Among the other supplies for veterans, I found something called a brain spatula. I was looking for sterile spatulas to apply the silver sulfadiazine, see, that is why I innocently typed in spatula, but I didn't find those, I found that there is a spatula...for brains.

I'm fascinated. I thought taking the brain apart to work on voided the warranty or something.

My mother, always with the good questions, wondered only why someone would be selling a brain spatula on eBay.

Hey...speaking of eBay, there’s still a few hours to check out my aunt's factory-sealed 2-tape set of Titanic.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy Frikkin' New Year!

Are you tired of hearing and seeing that? I'm not, mainly because I keep my head nicely cocooned and thought it was still 1986.

I have plans for this year. I have plans for every year, but I think I need to accept that beating Mindshadow probably isn't going to happen.

Most of my little plans hinge on the big plan of getting something published, therefore making enough money to maybe buy some windows or a faucet for my house, as well as having that guy come and see why it rains in my kitchen from time to time.

Those are not the kind of plans that interest anyone who has not ever had a cup of coffee that rusty rainwater has dripped into, so I'll just switch to what I'm looking forward to this year.

That thing that happens on that Tuesday in November. I have looked forward to other Tuesdays in November, but none had me as impatient as this one.

Before that, though, there are a load of movies I can't wait to see. Indy IV, Speed Racer, Wanted, The Mummy 3, The Dark Knight, the new X-Files, and--god have mercy--Mamma Mia!

Forsythia blooming in DecemberCloser to the present, I'm looking forward to Mum getting Medicare, and those couple of 50° days we're getting this week. The fuzzes are looking forward to those days too, they're acting out The Shining down by the furnace room. Our forsythia must be looking forward to it as well, because it bloomed already, a week after the winter solstice.

I'm looking forward to new music and new crazy Internet fads, denying I'll watch American Idol this year until it comes on and then I'll just want to see the bad auditions and the next thing I'll be picking the winner and bitching that the second place finalist didn't win, mowing the lawn, getting heatstroke, more migraines and hay fever, more weird aches and more things only a handful of people admit to ever having experienced. Like getting the feeling I've warped into another dimension while brushing my teeth, what the hell is that? Is it an inner ear thing, am I in a video game, was it a glitch in the Matrix? I'm looking forward to more questions than answers, and more catnip-and-squeaky-toy-fueled orgies.