I Can Do It, But They Can't Help.

You know the demise of our microwave would lead to stupidity the size of a nuclear mutation that goes on to devour major cities. I expected a new microwave to be expensive, I expected a wait if we ordered one online, but what I never expected was how much worse Home Depot could possibly get.

I don't even remember when our microwave kicked off this mortal coil now, but since the door latch--and in turn the entire unit--broke, dinnertime's been a bitch. It's winter, the windows are maybe 80 years old, there's one baseboard radiator in the entire kitchen/dining room, and keeping anything hot is sort of impossible. That's life, and as long as the oven could warm things, we could do without the microwave a few days. Not really a problem, really. Just an inconvenience.

We were supposed to get like, loads of snow. "Pummeled," the weather people said. I was heading for a week of the palsied insanity I like to call being a woman, anyway, so it was going to be next to impossible to get to Home Depot to look at their microwaves, and Home Depot it would have to be, because that's where I have the card. My only other option was eBay, and I now see that I probably had a better shot at getting a microwave from someone with a feedback of 1 who lived in "The Hong Kongs."

Have I mentioned I hate Home Depot with the fire of ten suns? Yeah. Wasn't crazy about them even before their installers hooked a garden hose to a dishwasher that eventually taught me a valuable lesson in what intestinal explosions must look like.

But I digress. We ordered a microwave. It's pretty, or I think it is. It was inexpensive too, considering it contains magical pixies that can cook things in a few seconds and stuff. Home Depot charged us $55 shipping because a microwave is an appliance. They also charged $22 sales tax because we have a store in our borough, but the microwave is an online only exclusive that must be shipped from a warehouse...not in New York. If that confused you, you are not alone.

The confirmation e-mail I got said someone would be calling the house within 48 hours to confirm the confirmation. By this time the light drizzle we were "pummeled" with had passed, but the order was in, and the microwave was an online exclusive, and my head was detached and laying in a pile of dust under my desk, so we waited.

We got a phone call that said the microwave would arrive in 5-7 days and that I would be getting an e-mail with the exact time and date of delivery.

I got an e-mail, but it only had an order number. I went to the Home Depot website to see if I could put the order number to use. I couldn't even put my e-mail address and password to use, because Home Depot didn't recognize it. This happens every month when I go to pay my bill. I have attempted to sign in 53 times in the past three days. For fun, I tried clicking that I forgot my password, because, you know, maybe I did. What the hell, I've only had it written in my meticulous list of passwords, maybe I'm wrong. Home Depot told me the e-mail address they've been sending my order confirmations to isn't in their system.

I waited a little while before making my next move. This website is obviously smarter than me, and it was enjoying the intimate relations it was having with my brain. Also, Idol was on.

Just now, I went to try again, and this is what I got:



Bastards. They have my money, my microwave, and now my mind. For the extra $77 dollars that was tacked onto the purchase price, we're hoping to have the microwave carried down to the counter. Maybe even plugged in. That's saying it ever gets here.



UPDATE: I was finally able to access the order status online...and was given a phone number to call. I very nearly expected to have to go to a park to make the next phone call, but no, this telephone number finally yielded a delivery date.

January 24th. They'll call the day before to give us a four-hour window (most likely when I won't be available) that the microwave will arrive during. I wonder if I should roll out a red carpet?

It's a tiny little 34-pound microwave!

I could have had one from eBay already. I could have had one from Canada by now...if I walked both ways.

Learn from this kids, if your food can only be prepared in a microwave, and you freeze your bread so it doesn't go moldy because you can always thaw it in the microwave...bad things can happen.

I Can Do It, But They Can't Help.