Almost the Definition of Irony

Did you know it was National Invisible Chronic Illness week? Neither did I! I didn't even know there was such a thing.



It's too late in the week to get into my history of burning innards and disco brains, or how I eventually became grateful for the nosebleeds because it was like big messy proof that something weren't right in this girl. Wasn't always pleased to wake up with one, though.

So instead I'll make fun of the latest NY Deptartment of Health and Mental Hygiene bulletin about sleep, called Sleep: Are You Getting Enough?. This is on the same page as the 9/11 memorial. Um. Sleep well! Hope you wake up.

According to the bulletin, many people don't get enough sleep, but some people don't need so much, and newborns need to sleep away their youth. Tsk. So if you happen to be a newborn and you are not getting 18 hours of sleep, ask your parents for Benadryl. They'll be giving it to you soon enough. (I should note nobody ever drugged me to sleep as a kid--no, Nan was happy to have the company watching Britcoms and the Late Night Double Feature and I learned a lot from late-night HBO. You can search YouTube for Dressed To Kill on your own.)

Some reasons for not sleeping include having a fast-paced lifestyle or children in the bed. No explanation for what a newborn is to do if he happens to be in bed with himself. One offered solution is to go to bed only when sleepy. I predict all of New York is going to be really quiet tomorrow afternoon.

Then they go into how you may not be sleeping because you might not be breathing, or have a disease keeping you awake. Well...I hadn't thought of that...gosh....

The last page goes into the usual accusations of being a lazy sod, or a drug addict, or using the bed for unbedly activities, and promotes use of the medical industry. It took four people to create that brochure and waste an hour of my night. Well, the whole hour wasn't a waste as I found the original CBS Late Late Show intro and the WPIX Film Festival. I used to wait for those things, man. Never used to be able to explain how great they were, either, because all the other kids I knew went to bed way before Hart To Hart even came on. I used to feel like a freak because I couldn't sleep on command, and it's cost me jobs and friendships, but those late hours of the night were made for something, and someday, maybe, I'll figure it out.

Until then, turn off the TV and go to bed.

Almost the Definition of Irony

The Weakend Reviews.

While it looks to me like I apparently do nothing but sit in front of a TV, I do have memories of feeding cats and playing with cats and feeding cats and playing ball with a dog and all, but that starts crossing the line of telling you how many times I tied and untied my shoes in a week, and unsurprisingly, that number is 7, but that's not what I started a blog for, y'know? I didn't really start it to tell you what new movies I saw, either, but hey.

For Mum's birthday I wanted to get Enchanted because she liked the look of it. It wasn't coming out until the middle of the week, though, so we ended up watching The Darjeeling Limited, which I'm going to go out on a limb and say was the better movie. I mean, some people like singing princesses, I prefer quiet movies with weird stuff going on. Not that The Darjeeling Limited was weird, but it was different. I liked it, but it might be because I saw it at the right time. There's a family drama plot thing in it that might trigger crazy in some people, but no, not me, because I know people like those brothers, so I laughed...oh, how I laughed. I also dug Anjelica Huston's hair, for some reason.

After that long-ass paragraph, I bet you wouldn't believe we watched two movies last Saturday. Wow. They were both under 1:40, though, and we'd had Wild Hogs on tape from cable for like a month, because I knew Nan wanted to see it, because she told me she couldn't wait to see it, because John Travolta and William H. Macy were in it! But somehow for a month, every time I'd say, "We've still got Wild Hogs," it was met with a general sense of hell no I'm not watching that.

Wild Hogs was fantastic. PPPPBT. I was ready to jump out a window during the bit where the annoying children of two of the characters were being introduced, but I told myself that within five minutes Nan and Mum would remember they wated to see the movie and like it. And they did. So this proves I have spent the past three decades studying them well. Apparently they've got me figured out as well, because every time William H. Macy did anything in the movie, they looked at me. Um. Hey, I wouldn't tell crazy bikers to break my legs. Um. Really.

I covered The Oscars in other posts, but yes, we watched them. All day.

Nan took The Puppy for walkies on Monday, and it's admirable to see how well we managed to train The Puppy on our own, that she didn't drag her mother up the street face-first. Nan's good with crazy dogs, though. Our six-foot-tall Pookie bear only walked on a leash without attacking dobermans for her. This walk was part of a plan to get some excercise to go with the diet. It then rained, snowed, or was freezing the rest of the week. Not cool, nature.

I wasn't crazy about the '70s week performances on American Idol Tuesday and Wednesday, but by god when the results were in on Thursday and they kicked off Alexandréa Lushington, I was pissed. Only because they kept a few who sucked. But there's no use blowing my top over it. Here. Again. I think I waved my arms in befuddledment enough on Thursday. Could it be I'm getting attached to the contestants again? I can already name five. Oh dear.

Last night we had more snow, and I got it into my head to pay back all our great neighbors by shovelling the snow all the way up to the corner. Of course, because it was me, you know it was midnight. I didn't tell anyone where I was going, but in my defense I was wandering around the house with a snow shovel and a vest and no one asked me why. Also, it rained after I shovelled and then the sun came out and melted what was left by the time everyone was waking up. Go me, I cleared up ALL the snow! Sure.

I think spring is finally heading our way, though, I haven't slept in three days. Well, I haven't slept until it's time to get up. That's the way that works. Someday, I'll write during one of those bouts of insomnia and it'll be like the old days. But not today. Today I'm sane enough to know it really wouldn't be as funny as I think it would be.

The Weakend Reviews.

Explaining it All Away.

(I feel the need to point out that the following news is unsurprising and my apparent ignorance is really a deep-rooted sarcasm mechanism which I have honed over the course of many nights.)

Children who prefer the night are more-likely to be anti-social. This just in: Vampires have fangs.

I don't think these findings are totally accurate. As a child, I got along with anyone willing to stay up until 4AM playing Atari or watching Mary Tyler Moore. It was only during daylight hours that I hated everyone. Even the infamous rake kicking incident took place while the light of the sun was just leaving the sky.

Honestly, people, who will our next generation of night workers be if all the kids are monitored vigilantly into a state of being ready for the button-down hours of The Man?

Explaining it All Away.

Three is Twice as Ineffective as One.

I feel like I'm repeating myself when I say I don't sleep. I've blogged about it before, in many places, and there really is nothing to be found in blogging about sleep problems other than a record that the sleep problem did in fact occur, and it was such a slow news day that it seemed an interesting topic at the time.

I can't honestly call it a slow news day, I know, there's a lot going on in the world. But I don't care about that, because I don't sleep.

People who helpfully offer quick fixes for my insomnia do not have my kind of industrial-strength ability to just not sleep for months at a time, so telling me to go for a walk will result in me asking if insomnia means that one night where the garbage collection was too noisy, and depending on how long it's been since I slept, I may throw in a few words that aren't cleared for public broadcasting. Because I understand I could end up in prison, I will not use violence. Still, I'm just gonna stop you here and say it won't help. Whatever it is, I've done it, it won't help.

Benadryl, the current antihistamine of the world, contains the same ingredient as mild sleeping pills. People take Benadryl when they can't sleep, or give it to their children for the same reason. Last night I took a lot of Benadryl. I laid there in sleep stage 1 for two hours, and then I noticed I was itchy.

Those two hours were not enough, Benadryl alone is not enough to bring peace. The experiment was a failure.

Next week: Testing the air-speed velocity of an unladen rake, when used in bee-herding.

Three is Twice as Ineffective as One.