Sunday, September 14, 2008

Almost the Definition of Irony

Did you know it was National Invisible Chronic Illness week? Neither did I! I didn't even know there was such a thing.

It's too late in the week to get into my history of burning innards and disco brains, or how I eventually became grateful for the nosebleeds because it was like big messy proof that something weren't right in this girl. Wasn't always pleased to wake up with one, though.

So instead I'll make fun of the latest NY Deptartment of Health and Mental Hygiene bulletin about sleep, called Sleep: Are You Getting Enough?. This is on the same page as the 9/11 memorial. Um. Sleep well! Hope you wake up.

According to the bulletin, many people don't get enough sleep, but some people don't need so much, and newborns need to sleep away their youth. Tsk. So if you happen to be a newborn and you are not getting 18 hours of sleep, ask your parents for Benadryl. They'll be giving it to you soon enough. (I should note nobody ever drugged me to sleep as a kid--no, Nan was happy to have the company watching Britcoms and the Late Night Double Feature and I learned a lot from late-night HBO. You can search YouTube for Dressed To Kill on your own.)

Some reasons for not sleeping include having a fast-paced lifestyle or children in the bed. No explanation for what a newborn is to do if he happens to be in bed with himself. One offered solution is to go to bed only when sleepy. I predict all of New York is going to be really quiet tomorrow afternoon.

Then they go into how you may not be sleeping because you might not be breathing, or have a disease keeping you awake. Well...I hadn't thought of that...gosh....

The last page goes into the usual accusations of being a lazy sod, or a drug addict, or using the bed for unbedly activities, and promotes use of the medical industry. It took four people to create that brochure and waste an hour of my night. Well, the whole hour wasn't a waste as I found the original CBS Late Late Show intro and the WPIX Film Festival. I used to wait for those things, man. Never used to be able to explain how great they were, either, because all the other kids I knew went to bed way before Hart To Hart even came on. I used to feel like a freak because I couldn't sleep on command, and it's cost me jobs and friendships, but those late hours of the night were made for something, and someday, maybe, I'll figure it out.

Until then, turn off the TV and go to bed.



Wigwam Jones said...

For me, it was the "Acri Creature Feature," which was hosted by Chuck Acri, a guy who sold aluminum siding during the day, but dressed up like Dracula at night and showed all the monster and Godzilla-derivative movies he could at midnight on Friday nights.

For this, I willingly gave up hours of sleep. I had a 'portable' Admiral B&W TV set that I had worked mowing lawns all summer to buy, and I got my money's worth and then some.

Later, it was my discovery of PBS and the "Monty Python Flying Circus" that finished destroying my young brain and made me into the horrifying creature you see before you.

Sleep? I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'll snore really loudly too, if I can manage.

Wigwam Jones said...

Oh, and I almost forgot. I'm lobbying for the creation of the 'National Invisible Evil Clown Hiding Under Your Bed' week.

It's a tragedy what people have to go through, dealing with these things. Nobody understands - if the clowns were visible, they'd get sympathy, funding, insurance coverage, someone would consider letting them out of the loony bin, but as it is, as long as the clowns remain invisible, the poor people who are afflicted with this syndrome are doomed to be branded as social pariahs. Remember, folks, just because there are no invisible evil clowns hiding under your bed, that doesn't mean they don't exist!