No, I didn't actually go offline.

Although that would have been clever, had I left it with a whole diatribe about hy hours on the computer and then actually did leave. I could have said I did, but then I couldn't say I've been to imoscar.com and it was funny.

No, actually what I have been doing since Monday is attempting to gain control over the faulty hyperdrive that is my brain. This week's plan was to excercise. Oh my. I don't like to do that, because if I'm going to travel 0.8 of a mile, I want to be somewhere else when I'm done. But no, I went back to my well-chewed ski machine named Faisal with the broken arm, and have since spent a total of thirty minutes going nowhere at a rate of 0.7 mph. RAWR.

Should I explain the description? Okay, sure, why not. In the '90s, we got a ski machine. I ended up being the only person who used it, and I name things. In the winter olympics of 1994, there was a cross-country skier who could not compete, or he did, but he came in last...it was a long time ago. His name was Faisal, he was Moroccan, and I believe CBS was trying to find the next Eddie Edwards. I aspired to this great height, and named the ski machine after this guy that could go maybe 0.2 of a mile faster than me...but so much further. Not really, it was joke, and it stuck. Because things stick with me. Then the following year, my puppy ate the plastic trim on the ski machine. About two years back, my strapping right arm managed to break the oft-welded "ski pole" off the machine again, and this time, it was not welded back on, but tied on with some telephone wire. Telephone wire is strong, man.

So, ten minutes on the ski machine is ten minutes I'm not at a keyboard, and while that's good for the most part, I haven't gotten to catch up on some things. Being this blog was never meant to be a log of my daily brain farts, I sorta didn't have anything else to report. Except that I need to lose 12 words from something as soon as possible. Also, I am having difficulty with the "End of the Line" mission in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Past posts may have indicated that I couldn't afford that game, but the sudden rush of people getting the game away from the innocent children (that shoudn't have had it in the first place) made one copy available to me--legally, too. Shocking. I *heart* Wu Zi Mu. I would also like to make it known to the world that my grandmother staged an elaborate Las Venturas casino heist, and is really good at jacking motorcycles and shooting gang members.

No, I didn't actually go offline.

Something I've wanted to do for a while.

Many months back, I thought I'd do what I do best, and come here to heckle the news. Not the real news, because it's not too funny these days, and even if I find some parts of it funny, that could just be my exposure to metals at a young age laughing.

Some of this goes back so far that it's not even in my memory banks anymore, but hey.

Tom Cruise

You wrecked Interview with the Vampire, man. Stop it, for the love of your Xenu and all that's holy in the world! Killing Oprah doesn't even come close to making up for it!

Saddam Hussein not liking Froot Loops

Aww, that's sad. Just think, if all the world could have their favorite cereals, maybe everyone wouldn't be big grumpyheads!

The 'slump' in the summer box office

See the previous two comments above, add lack of Harrison Ford movies, stir. Seriously, though, I had to assure the parents of 13-year-old that there wasn't any blood and gore in the Fantastic Four before they'd let her go see it. The parents, I can only assume, got to see at least one Nightmare on Elm Street in "their day" and are now overcompensating to the max. Stop it, people, before you raise a generation of people that will only want to make movies about asparagus.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas -- now with added S-E-X!

That is, tragically, the closest some gamers have probably ever gotten to...ah, I'm stereotyping. What do I know? I mean, it's not like I even can get near San Andreas on eBay. *cough*

Softball being taken out of the Olympics

I totally had to sit through China vs. Japan during the Athens games just to see some Table Tennis. Now, I bet I'll have to endure Water Polo. Someday, man...someday Table Tennis will get the respect it deserves and have the whole overnight show to itself.

Sony paying radio stations to play Celine Dion.

Somehow, I knew this. WPLJ would occasionally spin Cyndi Lauper's version of I Drove All Night, and for that, I was glad Celine Dion remade it. It's because of Dion's remake that Lauper's 1989 remake got popular on the '80s request shows again, and I love Cyndi Lauper.

Which brings me to this:

Faith No More's I'm Easy in a Levi's commercial.

Ten years ago, I used to annoy radio stations -- a certain radio station, anyway -- to play me a song. No, not Misty, but Faith No More's remake of I'm Easy. The station played the song once, during an alphabetical history of modern rock. I waited until 5am to tape the song off the radio that night. NOW, the blasted song's going to be popular to a bunch of new kids, and they'll all think they discovered Mike Patton, and I will have to track all these children down and make them listen to Mr. Bungle. Maybe I'll just wait until cooler weather.

Something I've wanted to do for a while.