I'm Not Lying But I Bet My Pants Will Be Frying.

Yeah, I know I'm not here. I'm writing a book, but I actually wrote this post back in October and scheduled it for today, like I schedule all these posts because I'm a robotic scheduling vacuum of nothingness--now with fancy flaming pants!

I decided back in September or so to maybe get myself a pair of pants. Actual never-before-worn pants purchased after 1988. For myself. To wear. I usually wear either pants I bought in Alexander's in 1987 or pants that everyone else in my family gives me after they've "outgrown them" if you take my meaning. Only the pants all look like...you know how when you put clothes on a scarecrow? Okay, like, I should wear size 10 pants but most of the pants I wear are size 14 and I have a 12 or two but also there's the autistic-like hate of anything touching my skin to contend with so I don't like getting new pants, but maybe the holidays might involve other real people seeing me and dammit maybe I want to look a little nice before I'm dead. I'm turning into a cougar, holy hell.

I got corduroy pants from Blair because they were the cheapest corduroy pants I could find that actually pulled all the way up to my waist, which is where I like wearing my pants because I'm an old lady who hates those low-rise abominations. I got them in black, because that's my idea of fancy and I can also wear them if anyone ever dies in the cooler weather months. THIS IS HOW I THINK.

The fancy-yet-cheap black corduroy pants arrived and were so baggy the crotch was around my knees. WAY TO LOOK HOTTER, DUMPY!

I sent the pants back, because I have enough pants that sag more than the body in them and have decided I'm not going to take that sort of treatment anymore. I checked off a bunch of boxes and basically set up an exchange where I would be sent the next size smaller and some political prisoners would be allowed to cross the border.

Should it really surprise any of you that I buy my clothes online? Because it shouldn't. If I go through iGive.com North Shore Animal League gets a donation so my freakish unwillingness to leave my house to go find some damn pants to put on does good for the little creatures of the world.

About a month after I ordered the pants I learned what happens when Blair gets an exchange is they charge for the replacement pants before they're mailed out and then they do a credit for the returned pants, but the credit doesn't go through as fast as the charge. So I was charged double for these cheap black corduroy pants that may catch fire and because I splurged and had the leaky roof seen to again I was $2 in the red, no thanks to Blair's asinine exchange policy. Which is so annoying I have actually put more unedited words on my blog than I have in quite some time.

Wait, I didn't tell you about the fire hazard? Yeah, while all this bull is going on, I'm seeing recalls for all the chenille clothing sold by Blair. Now, I realize corduroy is not chenille, and I also realize it's weird to have the consumer recall information news feed in my Google Reader, but now I'm envisioning these great flaming pants blazing their way to my door, and I want to stab them, repeatedly. The pants, that is. Not Blair. Blair, I just won't buy from ever again.

As of this posting, the pants have arrived and are lovely but I still do not want to test the flame-retardedness of any of my clothing. Nor do I need to hear that it will all be fine and some people have no pants, let alone fancy corduroy pants, because that defeats the purpose of me entertaining you all with this post.

I will be sure to let you all know if I catch fire.

(Photo by DexterousArtisan)

I'm Not Lying But I Bet My Pants Will Be Frying.

All the things I could go on about and I just write the first thing that comes to mind.

Bay Plaza sure looks different up close. Or rather, it looks a lot less cluttered from the other side of the Mini-Golf Driving Range.

I should come clean about something...I don't go out often, and I drive even less often. I used to, but the migraines--among other things--were more annoying than the outings were fun, so I stayed at home and had fun. Saved some money that way, too.

Sadly, the A&P up the road has closed due to a "shift to a non-union distributor" and so I now need to forage for food in another location. The next closest would be Stop & Shop, the other half of that legendary merger "Stop & P."

Keep in mind I stopped going out around the same time that I got my driver's license. I find this humorous now, so you can join me in a hearty laugh at the way things work. ha...ha...hmm.

There are entire malls that have been built in the time since I first said "Ya know, you all go on without me." I no longer know the way around my own neighborhood. There's basically two roads I know really well, and this is The Bronx, there are way more than two roads to anything in this area. I should be ashamed of myself, I know. However, I'm not, I'm kinda grateful I don't have to do a lot of the main roads with the buses and the various construction trucks, because I fear vehicles that are ten times larger than me.

I had thought to myself this morning that I was a wuss compared to say, the crew of Discovery. I mean, they could potentially explode at numerous points in their trip, and all I need to do is avoid buses and sunlight. So with that in mind I set off on my journey and didn't find out until later that the bleedin' shuttle didn't even go up today. Bah.

This entirely long lead-up ends with the news that I reached the parking lot of Stop & Shop, agreed with my mum that I now know how to get there, decided we don't need anything today, and went home. I only passed Bay Plaza, which is a serious traffic jam claiming to be a mall. I'd been to Bay Plaza a few times in the late '80s, when it was first built...I think I bought a Dogloo in the Rickel's there...in 1995...I saw The Phantom Menace there in '99...crikey, I really haven't been out much.

I'm happy to report that almost everyone in The Bronx owns really pretty color cars, though. I got to see several as I drove around asking "do I turn here?" like Sandra Bullock behind the wheel of a speeding bus.

No clue what's going in the A&P building yet, they better put something good in there.

(Many '80s songs played during the writing of this babble. Yay, Psych Furs!)

All the things I could go on about and I just write the first thing that comes to mind.