Friday, January 26, 2007

Things I Never Really Thought About: The Zodiac of Doom.

I've always been embarrassed by my astrological sign. Sure, it's friendly seafood, but the name is just too much. Who else is born under a sign that shares a name with a disease? How come no one is diagnosed with Pisces? Sure, it'd be weird, but I'm tired of being big evil disease sign.

Way back when I was a kid, I used moonchild, then I started getting nervous that wizards would come after me, so now I just call my star sign Basil. (Did you know I got a perfect score on the OKCupid Monty Python test? There's a prime example of why right there.)

But then it hit me, like a blow on the head, that all the signs are pretty damned murderous. Leo? It's a lion for crying out loud! With huge, sharp claws, and big pointy teeth. Taurus? A bull! Scorpio? It's a scorpion! Sagittarius is armed and dangerous, Pisces could very well be piranha, and don't tell me those Aries rams and Capricorn goatfishes are totally harmless on the edge of a cliff.

Forget the human signs, Aquarius has to be spiking somebody's drink, and Gemini? Ever heard of the Krays? That sweet-looking Virgo? I don't trust anything anymore.

That leaves Libra. Who did that sign have to sleep with to get something as innocuous as scales? Who am I kidding? Scales have taken their toll on the anorexics of the world.

I think I'll use my celtic tree sign: The fig.


Ari said...

You've got some good points there, BoP. I'm ashamed to admit that even though I'm all edumacated and shit, I still want to know what sign people are. My mama ruined me on it when I was a youngster in the 70's.

p.s. May I link you?

Rainbow Heron said...

So I'm a scorpion with a walnut helmet and an ivy lasso then? Gee, I sound friendly. :-P Maybe the butterfly wings'll help...(run, very fast, away)

ivy, walnut

BrideOfPorkins said...

Ari, sure you can link to me! I linked to you!

RH--HAHAHA, I think if scorpions had butterfly wings, they'd be so cute more people would be okay with getting stung. The walnut helmet's not a bad thing to have at all. I'm a crabby horse with a figgy puddin' head, even the outer Newton covering doesn't make a good helmet.

I've got your flower growing around here! I think. It's one of the nightshades, and it even hangs out by the ivy sometimes. I haven't got any coltsfoot, though. I can just pretend the dandelions are my flower. They kinda already are.

Ari said...

Linked as of today!