Monday, September 05, 2005

OMFG.

That's about my summary of current events. A more detailed opinion begins with me wondering how pathetic an emergency response to Terror™ would be, and it just spirals downhill from there. You don't want to read it, because really, you're probably already thinking it. Unless you've got a bunker high in the hills like that dude from In The Year 2889 and you're covered.

So yeah, I'm trying to avoid all the news networks and thanking the great Goodyear blimp that floats past my house that the US Open is on. That way I can make fun of the Williams sisters for not knowing what happened down south and I can feel good about myself because I know what's going on. Because I'm not entirely feeling good about myself these days. I was supposed to be rich enough to donate loads of money to animal rescue by now, you see. My master plan is failing.

The reason for this may very well be that I am a poor communicator. I received a reply to my note to Church & Dwight, makers of the Fabric Softener Sheets of Doom, about the allergic reaction I had to their product. I'm not kidding, I really wrote to them. I was PMS-ing, and felt it was better to take it out on the sellers of such crap rather than the buyers, who did not take fondly to my criticism of their choice in dryer sheets when I told them why I was loaded up on Benedryl. My original note went something like, "What fabric softening agents do you use? I had an allergic reaction to them," which right there was probably not the swiftest thing to tell them.

Remember kids: if you're allergic to prescription medication, nosebleeds are nothing compared to itching; if you're allergic to dryer sheets, itching is nothing compared to total central nervous system failure.

Right, so I really didn't expect a response of any kind, but I got one. And here it is:

Dear Ms. Naclerio:

Thank you for visiting our web site. We appreciate your interest in our
company and our products. It is nice to know that you enjoy using Nice'n
Fluffy® Fabric Softener Sheets, Mountain Rain.

At Church & Dwight Co., Inc., we strive to manufacture products of high
quality and performance that meet genuine consumer needs. It is
gratifying to learn from you that our efforts are recognized and
appreciated.

The information that you have requested is proprietary.

Again, thank you for taking the time and having the interest to contact
us.

We hope you will visit our web site again at: WWW.CHURCHDWIGHT.COM; for
information about our company, products, history, and financial
information.

Marcia Williams
Consumer Relations Representative


I believe I was sent a form letter. Because I don't recall saying I enjoyed my experiences with their product. It amused me for a few hours, anyway, while I used it as another example of how advanced I think humans aren't. We're not, you know. I don't know of many dolphins that pollute the air, or mountain lions that hang around certain areas when they know there's going to be trouble. Then again, the mountain lions probably would eat the dolphins if they had to share a habitat for extended periods of time. Dolphin flippers don't look like they could hold off cats very well, but I may be wrong.

---

I get the feeling I should've just left it at "OMFG! If that happened here, I'd totally be dead now."

*hugs to all the people that lost everything*

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5 comments:

Wigwam Jones said...

I want to help you with this. So, I dug out my old Rolodex and got the info on my old buddy James Craigie, the current CEO of Church & Dwight (Stock Symbol CHD). First, some information on Church & Dwight:

Corporate Headquarters
469 N. Harrison St.
Princeton, NJ 08543-5297

Phone: 609-683-5900
Fax: 609-497-7269

Church & Dwight is the maker of ARM & HAMMER baking soda, which is used as a deodorizer, cleaner, a swimming pool pH stabilizer, and as leavening. The firm also makes laundry detergent, bathroom cleaners, cat litter, carpet deodorizer, air fresheners, toothpaste, and antiperspirants.

Church & Dwight makes Brillo scouring pads and industrial-grade carbonates. Its purchase of Carter-Wallace's consumer products units (alongside Kelso & Company) gave it Arrid and Lambert Kay brands.

In late 2004 the firm exited a deal to contribute $30 million toward the acquisition of Del Labs.

Companies owned in whole by Church & Dwight are:

Arm & Hammer Products
Trojan Condoms
XTRA products
Delicare Products
Lambert Kay Pet Care Products
Brillo Products
Scrub Free Bathroom Products
Clean Shower Daily Shower Cleaner
Cameo Cleaners
SNO BOL
Parsons' Amonia
Lady's Choice Antiperspirants
Mentadent Toothpaste, Toothbrushes
AIM Toothpaste
PEPSODENT toothpaste
CLOSE-UP toothpaste
NATURAL LAMB condoms
CLASS-ACT Condoms
NAIR
FIRST RESPONSE Home Pregnancy Tests
ANSWER Home Pregnancy Tests
PEARL DROPS Toothpaste
RIGIDENT Denture Adhesive
CARTER'S LITTLE PILLS Laxatives

Now, some info on James Craigie, CEO:

Graduated 1971 from Hilton Central School District
225 West Ave.
Hilton, New York 14468
585-392-1000 ext. 7023
FAX 585-392-1038

Elected to their 2001 Alumni Hall of Fame (there is a photo of James there).

Craigie has a B.A. from the University of Rochester, and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School.

From 1975-81, Craigie was with the U.S. Navy/U.S. Department of Energy (we can't talk about what he did there).

Craigie joined the Philip Morris Companies in 1983, and served in a variety of senior-level management positions, beginning with General Foods. In 1994 he advanced to executive vice president and general manager of Kraft General Food's Beverage Division, and in 1998 he became president of the Beverage and Desserts divisions.

In 1998, Craigie was recruited by Kohlberg Kravis Roberts & Co., and became CEO of Spalding Sports Worldwide. Russell Corporation bought most of Spalding's assets in 2003, and Robert was cut loose with a chunk of change in his pocket.

On June 17th, 2004, James was named as CEO of Church & Dwight.

Since he's the CEO of Church & Dwight, and he has had such an illustrious career, I feel certain that he'd want to hear from you regarding the products his company makes and how they work for you.

I believe that his home address and phone number are:

James Craigie
25 Palmer Sq W
Princeton, NJ 08542-3727
(609) 924-6634

I'm sure you can give him a call. Tell him his old buddy Wiggy says hello.

xodiaq said...

wow.

Wiggy just scared the tootsie rolls outta me with that...

but as for the "disaster relief", I think Ronald Reagan said it best...

"The 10 scariest words in the english language are 'I'm with the federal government, and I'm here to help'."

BrideOfPorkins said...

Whoa, Wiggy! Perhaps I will send Mr. Craigie a letter to ask just what it is in the Mountain Rain that gives it that skin-inflaming tingle. It's probably not even his fault, unless that's what he was up to in the Navy. ;)

As much as I'd love to say "Bah! I'll never buy their products again," Arrid antiperspirants are all that keep people from reacting to me the way I react to the dryer sheets.

Thanks for the corporate address, even though your rolodex freaks me out, I'm glad I have more than the zipcode from the dryer sheet box now.

BrideOfPorkins said...

Aye, xodiaq, it's scary when the government shows up to help, but it's pretty scary when they don't get it together fast enough to help people that could've been helped, either.

I mean, you know our basement floods if we don't clean the gutters, that's our fault. Someone builds a city 12 feet below sea level and then the levee isn't taken care of, that's...something else.

I've made up my mind to start constructing a planet-orbiting ark out of Lego, in case we ever get a bad nor'easter. I just have to work on how to attach the carpeting in the cat room to the Lego without puncturing the plastic. Oh yeah, and I have to figure out how to get it into orbit using only some Match Light and a clip-on fan.

Wigwam Jones said...

Sorry to freak ever buddy out. I just got kinda good at finding stuff. I find stuff. Lots of stuff. It's all over the place. Right out in the open. No hackery or black hattery or anything in the least bit illegal. Just stuff left laying around. I guess that's why I'm a privacy weenie, because I realize it is just an illusion.