I Did It All For The German Intersexed New Romantic.

I'm not lying when I say Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories is a difficult game. The ratio of missions that were handed over to me in disgust was higher than possibly any other video game we've ever played, and even I had to play a mission over a few times. The other night I spent over an hour cleaning the Mendez mansion with Domestobot because I didn't think to look in the basement. Generally I would see that as fun, but towards the end of that hour? It wasn't fun anymore. I was driving around the mansion with the lighter out, intent on burning the entire house down just to find the safe. Saving Lance's ass every three missions isn't much fun, either. I'm not going to spoil the games for anyone who hasn't played them yet, but when Lance shows up, it's very much like knowing you have papercuts but also knowing you need to wash your hands. You will hurt.

The early missions are given by totally unlikable scum--not that anyone in the GTA universe is wholly lovable--and if I hoped to see the end of the game, someone better show up and interest my family, fast.

One of the highlights of Liberty City Stories was noticing that one of the DJs was voiced by Barbara Rosenblat, the very voice of the Amelia Peabody series. So when we got a mission in Vice City Stories that involved meeting a contact called Reni Wassulmaier, I damn near lost my mind. Never mind that we keep flying the wrong direction in the helicopters, never mind that we can't navigate the back alleys to rescue injured women, Barbara Rosenblat was playing that which I wanted to be in the '80s, an adndrogynous European with good taste in music, Geisha makeup and a tendency to make weird movies.

I should mention that when everyone else was putting on "proper" makeup, I was coating my face in baby powder and piling on eyeshadow and dark lipstick. I have no idea where it came from, as I didn't spend much time in clubs when I was 12, unless you count Club In Mah Head. Imagine my delight some twenty years later when I heard the term "New Romantic" on Echoes and realized I actually had something there.

Last night I flew Reni to the airport. It was sad to see her go. To me, that's where the game ended. Yes, the Phil Collins concert was hilariously fabulous, and I think Phil's involvement in this game more than makes up for him being left out of the original Vice City, but Reni, Reni makes me feel all special.

Tonight I think we finish the game. "We" can at times mean all three of us, such as "We" couldn't catch up to Lance before he burned to death, but tonight "We" means I will be flying Vic Vance's ass accross the city to get medieval for the tenth time because it involves a helicopter, and I'm the only one who can fly the helicopters in the right direction.

Even though it was at times not fun, I'm totally glad I saved up for this one. Not only for Reni, but Phil Oakey's Together In Electric Dreams and Nik Kershaw 's Wouldn't It Be Good are songs on the radio! That's worth blowing stuff up for any day.

I Did It All For The German Intersexed New Romantic.