Monday, April 14, 2008

Dear Telecommunications Gremlins,

Stop signing me up for baby magazines and e-newsletters just because I bought stuff for my niece. Trust me, the mere appearance of more magazines cause me to be way too violent to be trusted around. I am planning to write back with horrible and totally false tales and threaten a mental distress lawsuit if I get another issue. I've unsubscribed from the online version five times already. Just stop. Don't make me come up there.

Anyone in need of a sample Huggies umbilical care diaper, I have one. I don't need it. I will send it to you. (I swear I'm not kidding, I thought it was a blankie or something useful to my cats and dog, but after the initial confusion, I'm seriously considering finding some poor dumpster baby and giving her the diaper.)

Stop charging things to my bank card that I'd never sign up for in the first place. If I had $19.95 to blow on something, you can bet it would be utterly ridiculous and probably involve jointed plastic likenesses of movie characters, not lists of e-mail addresses to spam and not pre-paid Mastercards.

Stop calling my grandmother names when you dial the wrong number and she takes the time to tell you you're wasting a story on our answering machine. Shut up and listen to what she is telling you, it's obvious you speak the same language. I hope your ears are still ringing from that blast of my handy little siren, you bucking fitch.

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