I started out just like everyone else before I turned evil and bitter.

I used to go down to the playground in my Strawberry Shortcake skates, and I rode my bike in the park. One time, I even jumped up and down on a discarded matress with some other kids--that was a little egdy, man, I can't believe I survived that.

I knew all the words to the anti-drug PSA songs, and the cat food songs, and the themes to television shows. Okay, I made up to words to The A-Team.

I bought Barbie and she didn't give me inferior body issues...although I was jealous of that Twirly-Curl bitch's hair. Why did I have to buy "Hispanic Barbie" to get a doll with dark hair, anyway?

I liked Pac-Man, but I had an inappropriate relationship with Pitfall Harry. Oh, Harry, if only I'd taken as much time to learn a foreign language as I took to learn the pattern of the rabid bats we had to get past to get you home with your neice and all that junk.

I used to worry that President Reagan would get us all blown up, but I had hope because Sylvester Stallone single-handedly took out terrorists by dressing up as Lindsay Wagner.

Sometimes I miss those days.

I started out just like everyone else before I turned evil and bitter.