I am so out of the loop.

I just found out Barbie and Ken broke up.

My mom told me that for the past three years, Barbie's been with Blaine. Now, I knew about Blaine, but I didn't realize he was Barbie's new guy. I thought maybe he was brought in for Ken, actually.

It turns out this photo drama from a 1980 Barbie Fan Club newsletter was sadly prophetic. Poor, heartbroken Ken.

Yes, I belonged to the Barbie Fan Club. I enjoyed the photo dramas. I even read the articles sometimes. The 1984 feature with Vanessa Williams sticks in my mind as ironically glorious. My Barbies did not lead lives Kenner or Mattel would approve of; Ken had a bizarre habit of spitting at other dolls who wore boots. There were hit-and-runs with the Barbie 'Vette. I enjoyed calling Magic Moves Barbie "Hostage Barbie," because she had motorized arms that if positioned the right way, would raise as if she were being held at gun point. Those are the kind of Barbie games I played. Ballerina Barbie was a Russian spy, and she consorted with Terrorist Barbie, a re-dressed Pretty Changes Barbie who wore an inside-out headphone pad as a beret and toted about forty Star Wars blasters in her aerobics bag. Those were my 1980s, kids. Between Barbie, Nancy Drew, and Atari, I never had to leave my house, except to buy more Barbies, Nancy Drew books, and Atari games.

It does not surprise me at all, then, that Barbie now has a dog that eats poop -- just like my real dog! That's what the blurb says, I would never publicly admit that my dog eats poop...really.



If I had the money to throw away on Barbies, you know I'd have this. I wonder if there are going to be tie-ins like rock-throwing Stacey, Barbie's misguided little sister who thinks the neighbor lady is mean for not letting Tanner poop in her driveway, or scat-fetish Ken, who has really let himself go after the breakup with Barbie.

Ah, Barbie...thanks for the laughs, babe. It was good catching up with you.

I am so out of the loop.