Thursday, October 09, 2008

Better Than Making Pinholes In Your Eyelids!

It's true I got paid to write this, but having wonky eyes as I do, I've tried some questionable things to reverse the scarring without the use of a time machine and a baseball bat, as I don't have my baseball bat anymore.

I always used to see those pinhole glasses and wonder if they'd help my eyes, because I was once told I had the focusing ability of an 80-year-old and needed to strengthen my eyes.

Now there's an entire website devoted to those very pinhole eyeglasses, and it explains what they are, how they work, and even how they evolved from the slatted wooden spectacles the Eskimos used.

I should repeat the warning on the website that these pinhole glasses should not be worn while driving. I do not want to be the one who told you to go wear some pinholes and then have you crash into me while I'm crying about how the sun is flickering between the buildings and trees that are all out to get me. These glasses are to exercise the muscles of your eyes, they aren't going to cure my kind of crazy what goes on between the eyes and the brain, and for Cyclops' sake if your eyes burn and run and you feel like you've got things in your eye, odds are you have something in your eye and need an eye doctor to fix that, so see an eye doctor if your eyesight suddenly changes. Then you can try strengthening your eyes. Don't be like, "Oh hey I've got the focusing ability of an 80-year-old and stabbing pains, maybe I'll try this." No, try these only after you know your eyes are okay. Okay?

If you've been curious about those strange glasses and feel like trying them out, they're available with free shipping and a 100% satisfaction guarantee at There's also carry an acupuncture eyemask that by name alone makes me want to freak out my aunt. But I will not. At least until she's right in front of me, then I'll be all, "AGH, NEEDLES! THERE REALLY ARE NEEDLES!"

(There aren't really needles, I'm kidding with you, it's a very proper-looking massager.)

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