Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Give Me A Pill That Makes Me Slur.

I'm feeling very honest at the moment, and that never ends well for me, but that is the consequence of listening to the Bryan Ferry song from Legend too much. I get migraines, and part of the glory that is a migraine--for me--is that my jaw gets very stiff and it appears to people who don't know me very well--like for three decades--that I am having some sort of stroke or drug overdose. This always amuses me a few days later.

One thing I found to be useful after a night of banging my head on the keyboard to get relief was an article that describes a device that goes between the front teeth and can reduce jaw stiffness or something, I don't remember what I read by now because the lightning, it is in my head.

Seeing as I'm uninsured and unable to find a dentist willing to work at 2AM in exchange for say, a nice lemon pie and a few bootlegged B-movies, I looked at the one thing I knew would bring relief. My trusty little happy face pencil. Except instead of using it to stab myself through the temple, I put it in between my front teeth. Oh, if my family could see me now, never mind drug overdoses, I'm gonna die from the lead poisoning!

No, you know, I think these pencils were made in China, and a lot of the paint has been gnawed off over the past few months. Not to mention that I've been wary of putting the pencil in my mouth the past few migraines because I dropped it in the yard the other day while I was drawing, and you know, ants breed out there.

The thing that amuses me even more than being told I need medical attention is being told that the Excedrin Migraine that I take once I notice my elaborate aura is what is causing me to slur. Personally, I see no reason to take pills to give me slurs. I am not that emo. And God knows I am emo, but no, HGTV or the occasional Tony Scott film and the big ass hunk of chocolate cream pie (which was fabulous BTW, damn it) possibly maybe coupled with the 9000% humidity, decongestant withdrawal, and psychotic hormones out to remind me I am a woman maybe sorta are all things that are higher on the slur-causing list that a puny single dose of an over-the-counter aspirin/Tylenol/caffeine "preventative."

I totally have taken one aspirin, one Tylenol, and a cup of coffee to fashion my own version of this thing in the past out of desperation. No research has been done on one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer, but I'm guessing if I tried that the migraine would be the least of my problems. Being arrested for public nakedness with disfiguring hives, maybe, but then I'd really have some hardcore trouble to talk about at family gatherings.

Because honestly, crawling away to chew on a pencil (even if it did fall on the ground) and taking two weeny little Rite-Aid Excedrin knock-offs only when the pain gets so horrendous I think trepanation with a Swiss army knife might work is small time.

Which reminds me, I saw the Tom Waits movie Big Time, and it made me want to live another day. Which is kinda sad, because the next day I got this blasted migraine. HAHA, I kid. There are three days out of a month when I don't feel like I'm either going to die or kill for some reason, and after 25 years I've pretty much realized that no amount of happiness pumped into my eyes and ears changes that (although I'm not turning down a nice loud Level 42 song in my ear right now), but I'm used to it. I wish everyone else were. I mean, it's not like I block doorways.

1 comment:

Ari said...

Wow. I have TMJ. I wonder if a similar device to what's on that page could be fashioned out of old chewing gum....